In honor of the last week of school, an ode to the students and their clever cell phone schemes.
The “Not Trying Too Hard”
Put the phone down beside a closed textbook, place chin on hand, look straight down. Be nonchalant.
The Giveaway: It looks like you are playing the piano very gently on your desk. Nobody does this.
The “Trying Too Hard”
Open your notebook halfway so that the front cover is sticking straight up. Duck head behind notebook cover. Poke head up periodically like a prairie dog to check if I have noticed you yet.
The Giveaway: Everything. Mostly you look like a prairie dog. It’s noticeable.
The “Do I Need to Send You to the Counselor?”
Put phone in lap. Stare straight down. Laugh periodically.
The Giveaway: Do you know what this looks like to your teacher? Seriously?
The “Overly Casual Slouch.”
Lean waaaaaay back in your desk. Throw your left leg out into the aisle. Put hand in right pocket. For best effect, look like you might just be falling asleep. Never hurts to distract the teacher with some other offense.
The Giveaway: Ummmm, nobody actually sits like this. And even if you do, when you crane your neck backward to try to see the phone screen inside your pocket, it looks like something out of The Exorcist.
The “Wanna Fight About It?”
Hold phone in front of your face. Proceed to play on said phone in plain view of the teacher. For better effect, answer a call from your parent in the middle of class. For best effect, have parent excuse your behavior over the phone.
The Giveaway: The insolent look on your face daring the teacher to say something.
The “Explain How Light Works Again?”
Place phone pretty much anywhere on desk. Forget lights are out for some reason. Play on phone.
The Giveaway: The angelic glow of the screen on your face.
The “Four Eyes.”
Pretty much the same as above but the lights are on.
The Giveaway: The screen of your phone reflected in your glasses.
The “Truly Clever.”
Wear the same ratty hoody sweatshirt as a jacket all year. Make sure it has many visible holes. Grow hair long in front of the eyes. Look shy so that your hands being constantly in the kangaroo pouch of said sweatshirt looks like a defense mechanism. Discourage idle chit chat so that others rarely approach you.
The Giveaway: Bad luck. A teacher picks up a rolling pencil behind your desk and notices that you have a strategically placed large hole in the top seam of the kangaroo pouch. Your hands are always there because they are playing games on your phone which you can easily see through the hole. Your barely even have to look downward because you can pull the sweatshirt away from you without it looking odd and your hair is so long your eyes are always an obscure mystery anyway. The teacher doesn’t know whether to punish for the phone or reward for ingenuity and dedication to a plan. You are well on your way to being as awesome as this guy.